The jokes

What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble?

That hit the spot!

This isn't a joke. My dad went to the shops for some bread 16 years ago. He still hasn't returned. Should I be worried yet? Or should I wait a year?

"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"

Why were the Twin Towers mad? They ordered pepperoni pizza, and all they got was plane.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

7 little children gathered around the bed Bill Cosby's fantasy.

All he wants to do is tickle the kids, it's as plain as can be.

7 cellmates gathered around the bed ready to rape Bill Cosby instead.

Did you hear about the dead artist?

Too many strokes.

When you are losing at Tetris, I guess the odds are STACKED against you.

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment!

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.

The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.

People say dogs are like their owners. So true. My dog keeps on running into the street as if she doesn't care about her life.

I don't care about her life either hahahaha!! :)

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

Two cows were hiding.

One said: "Moooo."

The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

Have you eaten at the restaurant on the Moon? It's got good food, but no atmosphere.