The jokes
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?
At least Hitler actually did something.
Why did the kid fall off the swing? He had no arms.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
The cabinet had sleeping pills.
Where does a pianist go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where I should put my pants. "Next to mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Susie.
Spell IHOP, now say 'ness' at the end... 😂 ...I ate your penis!
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
What is a cow's favorite dance move?
The milkshake.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.
Except my depression.
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
There was a chicken sitting on the bench. Then came another one. Then there were two.