The jokes

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

What language do people at the center of the Earth speak?

Core-an (Korean)

Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because it's extinct.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."

You're at a buffet, you think you're hungry for two, but misfortune happens when you think of yourself. You get stuck looking at sides in the buffet. A roly poly gal you see in the corner of your eye, eyeballing the main dishes in front at the end. You go in for the pickings, you get intercepted by a far more hungrier matter, but you find yourself getting slammed over the buffet table, and realize you are gasping for air, and she is tenderizing you for dinner.

Friend: Eric, spell mouse.

Eric: M O U S.

Friend: Yes - But what's on the end of it?

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Figs.

Figs who?

Fix the door, it's broken!

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.

Why did the skeleton not tell jokes? It lost its funny bone. Maybe you should try putting it back.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

What is the real name of Canada?

Punjabistan

Symptoms of Schizophrenia.

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two or more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

If you're having a bad day, just remember the Blobfish exists.

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

Why did the monkey fall from the tree? Because he was dead.

My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.