The jokes
A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.
Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
Why did the man say "hi" to say "bye?"
Why did the roach talk to the man? To die.
The duck bought lipstick. When he paid, he said, "Put it on my bill."
Q: What did the kid say as he tossed a chair to his neighbor's house?
A: You're the chairman of the board!
A pun enters the room and kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
What instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Someone unplugged the WiFi router.
What did the cookie say to the milk?
What’s up duud?
What did the Indian cheese say to the other cheese?
"Tu cheese badi hai mast mast!"
Why were parts of the Soviet Union that had more industry than agriculture occupied during WW2?
They couldn't beet the Nazis.
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
"Haloomi."
Shrek yells at Donkey. Fiona yells, "Stop yelling at the ass!"
What did the first skeleton say to the second skeleton?
What sayd the man to the woman??
Go to the kitchen lol.