The jokes

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.

"New around here?" said the bartender.

"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.

Bartender "You can talk?"

Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."

Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"

Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"

The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.

The robot seems to be just like a normal human.

"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.

"The top minds in the world," said the robot.

The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."

Bartender, "What?"

"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"

NEWS: A man kidnapped a 13-year-old girl.

MOM OF GIRL: The man had a shady face and a receding hairline.

Do you know what the F in orphan is for...

Family.

What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Yo mama is so fat, the doctor asked for her weight, she told her phone number.

Why did I give an orphan the iPhone X?

Because it is the first one without a home button.

What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

Why was the orphan so successful?

When the options were either go big or go home, he only had one option :(

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line is too long.

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"

How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"

How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"