The jokes

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies? Windows plays the shutdown music.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.

My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.

Well, because it's impastable.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

What did the egg who was sun bathing say to the other egg? Don't look at my crack!

Somebody told another person that they would meet at the crack of dawn.

Let's just say Dawn got very mad.

Science gets you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

Knock knock. Who's there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can't reach the doorbell knocking at your door.

A fish was swimming around in a pond when he noticed a fly flying around about six inches above the water. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, I could have myself a nice meal."

There was a bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, that fish will come up for that fly, and I can catch that fish and have myself a nice meal."

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and I can shoot the bear and have myself a nice meal."

There was a mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich and I can have myself a nice meal."

There was a cat in a tree watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly. He thought, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his sandwich, the mouse will go for the sandwich, and I can catch that mouse and have myself a nice meal."

Then it all happened.

The fly dropped six inches.

The fish came up and caught the fly.

The bear came out and caught the fish.

The hunter got up to shoot the bear and dropped his sandwich.

The mouse went for the sandwich.

The cat jumped from the tree, missed, and landed in the pond.

The lesson that can be learned here is that every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool?

The dry bear.

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?

The Inbredibles.

The day after Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Tell a dark joke to an orphan, then hit them. They'll get the punchline right away.

What is the difference between a flat tire bicycle and a woman?

Answer: You need to pump the tire on the bicycle before you ride it, while a woman you need to ride her and pump.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

Make a wish.

Kid: I don't want to go to Disney World, I just want to keep living my life.

Make a Wish Staff: Get the F*** out!