The jokes
What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?
"Ground beef!"
What's the difference between a human and a tree?
A human can chop down a tree.
A tree can't chop down a human.
What's the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.
What is the difference between a human being and a tree?
A human can walk and a tree cannot walk.
Q: Why are the 49ers called the 49ers?
A: 'Cause they can't make it past the 50-yard line.
What does the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?
I only stuff the turkey.
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
Who tells the best chicken jokes?
Comedi-hens!
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Yellow is the best.
What is yellow? The sun ☀️.
What is the best time!? 6:22 a.m.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandpa is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandma is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!
Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!
Survives until tomorrow.
Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*
Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!
(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)
The ones you hate most are also the ones who are by your side most.
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."
Who said that?
What does the egg do after the pan told him a joke?
He cracked up!
The boobs was funny tbh... But the last was rude.