The jokes
Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"
I wonder if the 2 Irish kids off the Titanic movie who went to sleep before it sank had wet dreams?
What type of tea do you drink with the Queen of England?
Royal-tea.
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
So I said, "Aquarius."
And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
If you're gay, then what the f*** are you doing trying to walk straight?
Best way to stop a fight between deaf people?
Just turn off the lights.
Why were the cherries 🍒 crying?
Because their parents were in a jam.
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
What has tree roots and what do I have for kids? What is the difference between a human and a used tire?
Tree roots are under the tree, and used tires are under the Hummer.
"Eeee, is a time for a tree night out to a tree. 🌲 I can fly to the earth day to day day one night type and a walk in and a tree."
What is the difference between a tree 🌲 and a car 🚘?
A car can drive, and a tree 🌳 cannot drive.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied!
Why did the guy take a bath? Because he came, and it was too much of a mess.
Why did the guy run because the girl ripped his penis off?
I had a glass of Schweppes lemonade in one hand and a glass of R. Whites in the other. I got into a hot sweat. I think I have Corona Virus.