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The jokes

What’s the difference between a woman that doesn’t belong in the kitchen and Bigfoot?

Bigfoot is real.

What is the difference between the snow ❄️ and sun 🌞? Snow is slippery, and the other kind 🧒 of weather is not slippery.

There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”

Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?

More than ten, apparently.

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    • DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED SETTLERS OF CATAN!

    “Wheat is going on?” I asked my godmother. She replied “Godson, I really don’t know, but could you please get me some m-ore Shloer?”

    “Ok, I’ll sheep if there’s any in the fridge!”

    There was a man who had just moved from a foreign country. He just moved into his apartment and was watching his favorite TV shows. The first one was "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me," the second one was "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives," and the last one was "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!"

    There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him, "Sir, have you seen this man?" and held up a photo. The man said "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me." The cop said, "Sir, what did you use?" and the man said "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives." After that, the cop said, "Sir, I'm going to have to arrest you," and the man said "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!" The screen goes black, and all you can here "chk-chk. BANG"

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    • A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.

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    • A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

    The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

    He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

    When he died, the Angel came back for him.

    "But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

    "Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

    How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

    Answer: 1 to actually change the light bulb and the other 98 to suck each others' cocks and shit like that.

    What's the difference between my imaginary friend and God?

    None.

    They're both imaginary.

    Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

    Student: "Meat!"

    Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

    Student: "Bacon!"

    Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

    Student: "Homework!"

    What hype is this place out? Is it for the night? You cannot say what is a great night. I have a good night.

    Why did the football coach go to the bank?

    To get his quarterback!