The jokes
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Love is in the air...
Wrong! Nitrogen, Oxygen, and Carbon Dioxide are in the air!
Why was the cow afraid?
Because he was a cow-herd!
What is Green and Red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?
One can support an average family.
Why did the Orphan have imaginary parents?
Because his last parents existed.
Why did the cow cross the road?
Because the chicken was on vacation.
Why did Leah throw the butter out of the window? To see a butterfly!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
To get to the rear end.
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
What does one piece of toilet paper say to the other?
"I'm wiped!"
Have you heard about the awesome fruit race?
The lettuce was ahead, but the tomato was able to ketchup!
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
Why can't the toilet paper be cheeky?
It's between cheeks at the moment.
What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!
Did you hear about the guy that went to a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.
Why did the orphan have to stay at school?
Because they need to leave with a parent.
Sadly, blind jokes are cruel. A kid at my school was punched the other day for being blind.
Sadly, he didn't see it coming.
What card is the slowest and slimiest?
Ace-nail.
Where do astronaut cows go to get milk?
The Milky Way!
A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."
The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"
The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."
The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"
She says, "Vinegar and water."