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The jokes

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

Why did the orphan become a prostitute?

Because they needed someone to call "daddy".

One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"

The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."

A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"

The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."

Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."

Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?

She kept getting the metal detector out.

My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."

"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.

  • 7

    • People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

    Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

    Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

    Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

  • 4

    • Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

    Friend 2: Pizza.

    Friend 3: Donuts.

    Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

    Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

    Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

    One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

    One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

    "What part of the dog did you get?"

    A young, innocent little girl is playing hopscotch, and she says, "You step on a crack, you break your mama's back." Then she steps on a crack, so her mother's back proceeded to break slowly. Then she said, "You step on a line, you break your dada's spine," but the neighbor's spine broke, and in happiness, the thought-to-be previous father gets in his car and drives through the garage door...

    So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

  • 8

    • So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.