The jokes
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.
Why did the orange start blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because she felt peely!
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
Your hairline is so far back that it goes all the way across the globe.
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
They say that "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," but I find it a lot easier to go through the ribcage.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
What is black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"
In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
How did the shark do on his math test?
Jawesome!
(Only Ninjago fans understand XD)
If you look outside and it's really windy, it's really cloudy, and the sky looks greenish... you better run, 'cause it has to be Morro!
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?
My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.
Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.
I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste!
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!
So, a guy is taking a piss in a public bathroom. He looks over and sees a short guy with a very large green dick, who looks up at him and says, “Is there a problem, boyoh?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just that thing is huge, and why the hell is it green?!” The man replies, “I’m a leprechaun.”
“Really?” says the man.
“That’s right. And I’ll grant you three wishes if you let me stick it in your pooper.”
“Anything I want?! Three of them?” replies the man.
“Anything in your wildest dreams, boyoh, but you have to let me finish.”
The man bends over, and the leprechaun puts it in. Thrusting back and forth, he asks for the man’s first wish.
“I want a giant yacht!”
“Aye,” says the leprechaun. “It’s pulling into your own private harbor now.”
“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars,” the man says, beginning to sweat.
“Aye, it’s stacked inside the yacht waiting for you,” the leprechaun replies.
“Okay,” the man groans in pain. “For my final wish, I want this yacht to be full of beautiful women.”
“You betcha, boyoh,” says the leprechaun. “The girls are there waiting for you nooWWW,” as he lets out a moan of pleasure.
The man, exhausted and sore, says, “That was rough, but worth it for those wishes. Where do I go?”
The little man with the giant green dick, pulling up his pants, his accent now gone says: “Aren’t you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?”