The jokes

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps, the earth was shaking!

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.

A butt saw the toilet and said, "Shit, I'm sick!"

What did one squirrel say to the other squirrel?

"Stop staring at my nuts."

What does a priest and a male homosexual have in common?

They both like to suck a big cock inside the men's locker room at the gym.

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

I said to the orphan, "Do you want me to take you to your family? Oh wait..."

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Why did Hitler stop playing Golf?

He kept getting stuck in the Bunker.

A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"

I bet when you were born, the doctor looked away because of your virginity.

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"