The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
When start sweating after filling in c for the third time in a row
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
if Carlos and Jose took a brownie from me and i had 10 to start what do I have?
Answer -a math problem insta =carlosalvarezz
I see that you start work at 9am. .but yo hairline starts at 9:15am.
Why did the skeleton start a fight? Because he had a bone to pick.
How does an American know that his time has come? He starts hearing Vietnamese.
So one day i walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the famloy she starts to cry my mom ask why shes crying and i say i told her she was adopted and i was tgere for the adopten and we have peppers it was all a lie she is not adopted and every thing is fine
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO" then ran off I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheese burgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through. So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress I guess :D
What is 14 inches long and starts with D
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill, Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill to build this still will take so long, Jill said to Jack well F---k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill.
Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom I’m doin your mom. Yes yours! I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin out your drawers. Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen But her ass was lookin good all up in those mom-jeans. I approached her in the checkout line, and said yo baby wassup? She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin at her jugs. Five minutes later she agreed to get with me So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity. I was ridin your mom like she was Mario Kart. I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn’t start. She invited me in the house, and we started makin out again. How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000! Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it. She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it. Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young To be in the bed, butt-naked doin your mom. Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom
She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.
I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn’t start.
A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head, the bartender asks him nervously “are you okay” the blind man replies “yeah I’m just looking around”
I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn't giving birth the bloody car would not start .
