SOS jokes
Yo mama is so ugly, she makes the devil read the Bible.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.