SOS jokes

Why is the mermaid so dirty?

Because she is a maid, mer-maid!

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?

So he could get into high school.

So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,

"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."

Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side! Haha, so funny...

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

I went home one day. My mom said, "Look what a few guys got me." It was a MILF trophy.

My mom asked what does that mean. So I said, "Mom's I'd Like To Fuck." Then my mom said, "These guys want to fuck me?" I said, "Yeah." Then my mom said, "I still got it!"

What's so wrong about Trump being in office?

He steals all the cats.

McDonald's was originally called "Mac and Dick," so, if you think about it, you could be enjoying a Big Dick instead of a Big Mac.

A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,

"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"F... off!"

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!