SOS jokes

Somebody’s son said, "Mom, my dick has white stuff coming out of it." She said, "Oh, good one, son, so when’s the baby coming?"

I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.

"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."

"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."

I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!

How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!

99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

Why did the clock eat so fast?

He wanted to go in for SECONDS! Super bad, huh?

When they were going around giving out brains and you thought they were saying "train," so you said, "No thanks, I’ll take the next one!" 🤣

Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

What did a skeleton say when he's alone?

"I'm so bonely..."

Yo mama so ugly Joe Biden was jelly.

Yo Mama so fat, she has a Twinkie inside of a Twinkie inside of her fat ass motherfucking belly button!

Why is the cheetah so fast?

Because it can't walk slow.

Do you know why Jesus is so popular with the ladies??

Haven't you ever seen pictures of the guy? He was hung like this... 🤚--------🤪----------✋

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

So they can get in the cast!

So, I tell my friend a pun about Bach. She freaks out. Then I say, "I hope that wasn't too much to Handel. Don't let it Strauss you out."

For all of my musicians out there!