SOS jokes

I asked my mother about her mom.

She said she was in a better place. After that, I asked her where that place is. She didn't know, so I sent her to a better place.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

So, Helen Keller walks into a bar... And then a table.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

So I punched an orphan...

What's he/she going to do? Tell his/her parents???

So a kid was crying... I asked him what was wrong.

I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE!

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Alabama gene pools are so shallow, when they freeze over, it's just snow.

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My mom ate my food, so I ate her pet hamster.

Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"

We have a teacher in school. His name is Haybrock, but he is gay, so we call him Gaybrock.

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.

Yo mama's so fat, when she went on the scale it said, "Still counting."