No jokes
Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?
My enemy: Uh, no, why?
Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.
This year the London marathon was run on your hairline. It was so far back no one could complete it!
Your mama is so far that when she told a joke, no one was laughing, but the floor was literally cracking up.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
I’m not funny! Please do not laugh at my jokes! But do check them out, they’re very unpredictable. Read them, do not laugh, they’re jokes, do not laugh at them!
Someone: hah- Me: NO DON’T YOU DARE!😠😠
We recently found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra.
No one is taking it harder than grandpa.
Why can't poor people write jokes?
Because they make no cents.
What do you call a deer with no ear?
One ear.
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
What do you call an emo with no breasts? A cutting board.
Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.
Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.
(Just a joke, she's probably kind.)
(The plane) we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it. Oh no, we have to go through it.
I am no longer anonymous.
See, this is the best thing about no such thing as vampires because I'd be the first person to say drinks are on me.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.
But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?
There's no Asian kids in my class, but it just happens to be the rice store and the pet store just ran out of stock...
What do you call a child with no family?
Names.
Orphans have 362 days in a year because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day and no birthday.