Howe jokes

Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?

That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.

How I Punch my Brother: Wooden Sword.

How he is telling Dad: Diamond Sword.

How hard my Dad is gonna punch me: Warden Punch.

How do you know if your sister's on her period?

Your dad's dick tastes funny.

What's worse than fingering your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?

About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.