So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?
It's ok, he didn't either!
How did the computer get out of the house?
He used windows.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
Puns, that's how I roll.
I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You set it on fire; then it goes, "WOOF!"
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How did the Asian couple name their child?
They dropped pots and pans down the stairs and listened to the noises.
How did Voldemort lose his nose?
From uncontrolled Gold Mining!
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?
Zero, they were copycats.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
