Howe jokes
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
How do trees calculate square roots? They use log-arithms.
How do you cook macaroni? With a shark-spoon-a-rooni!
How do skeletons talk to each other? By the telebone.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it hit me!
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Depends on how hard you throw them.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you can throw them.
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
How do you get my neighbor out of their tree?
You untie the rope.
I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How do you know if a comedian is high?
Comedian: Why did the wings cross the road? To get to chicken.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Running, JK rolling!
How does a butcher keep his tent up in the wind? Steaks.
"Guess how I got to Germany so fast?"
"Because I was Russian!"
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.