HI jokes
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
Hi boyyyy!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
- Carlos.
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipses it!
How did Voldemort lose his nose?
From uncontrolled Gold Mining!
The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?
His shoulder.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was emotionally distressed after a break up and wanted to find some help at his friend's pen. In the end, he was run over by a car, marking a sad end to what might have been a good chicken's life.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
Gloves!
JK, he hasn't opened it yet.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.