HI jokes
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.
Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
Why can't Pooh Bear catch a date?
Because he is always talking about his honey.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
Q: What did Tim say when his girlfriend fell down a rabbit hole?
A: Hole-y shit!
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
Why didn't the skeleton follow his dreams? He was too gutless.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?
Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by an ice cream truck.
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
I can't remember the last full conversation I had with my grandfather.
Good thing is, since he hit his head, he can't remember either.
What did the white kid pull out of his bookbag?
A 9mm.
Stephen Hawking only died because he tried to install Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
Why did the farmer go to the strip club?
Because he was looking for his hoe.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.