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There was a guy who got his entire left side cut off. Don’t worry, he is all right now.

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

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    • Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

    He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

    When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

    It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

    Next he died, eaten all fried.

    One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.

    A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”

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    • A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

    Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

    Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"

    The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.

    Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."

    How do kill a redneck?

    Wait until he is fucking his sister and take the brakes off his house.

    What’s Steven Hawking's fav[orite] food?

    WiFi chips or his shoulder?

    A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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    • A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.

    The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."

    So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"

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    • Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.

    Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

    His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

    Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?

    Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.