Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
Hes Jokes
What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?
Nothing, he just started wanking.
He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
How does an artist fill in a CV?
He draws on experience.
Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.
Have you ever walked in to Stephen Hawking's house?
No, neither has he.
What did the sweet potato say to the potato when he was told to hurry?
I yam.
Where did Stephen Hawking go after he died?
FNAF Sister Location.
What's the difference between a Palestinian and a redneck?
At least the redneck was drunk when he married his cousin.
Is your dad Spider-Man, because he got no way home?
There was a person inside who needed help from the police, but the police changed their number, so he ordered a party with pizzas from 2 airplanes, but the pilots were stupid, so they put people instead of pizzas, and one landed on the 93rd floor and the 94th floor, literally.
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
What did Stephen Hawking's computer say when he died?
"ERROR"
Right, I have a dog and his name is Syndrome, and whenever he is good, I go "Good Syndrome," but whenever he is naughty, I go "Down Syndrome."
A Story:
I lived in a small house. Behind my house was a big forest. If I went in the forest, then I heard scary sounds. That was very dreadful. I had a son. He was 9 years old. One day he went into the forest and did not come back. I called the police, but it couldn't help. I went looking. I really wanted my son Robby back. I missed him so! With a flashlight and compass, I went into the dark, eerie forest. Then the noises came again, but this time I also heard a scream. A scream from a nine year old child. It was Robby, certainly! I stopped in front of a tunnel.
Sequel follows...
Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? Well, he's dead.
Q: What were my son's last words before he died?
A: "Bye, Dad, I am going to school."
Two pedophiles meet each other. Then one asks if he wanted to trade "2 of 5" for "1 of 10?"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
