Hes jokes

What did the chef on the Titanic scream as he tried to finish the dishes? "Oh no, the sink sank!"

Why did the octopus blush?

He saw the bottom of the ocean.

Why did Hitler get hit by a baseball?

Because he did nazi it coming!

You got a black cat.

He was bad luck.

Everyone left you and you committed suicide.

What a CATastrophe!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Why did the policeman rape the woman? Because he thought rapists wouldn't be attracted to non-virgins.

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Person: Why?

Me: Because he wanted to.

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"

Why does Santa not have any children?

He only cums once a year.

What does Michael Jackson say when he stubs his toe?

Ow!

Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?

He was stealing all the samples.

Why is James depressed?........ because he's a bitch.

The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.

What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?

Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.

I bought an orphan iPhone 8 Plus and he said he doesn't want it 'cause it didn't have a HOME button.