Hes Jokes

Someone went up to an orphan and asked him why he was talking to the air. He said he was talking to his mom.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he’s dead.

My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.

My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.

A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.

Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.

I’m just gonna leave this here

The image shows a cartoon fish with a human-like face with text saying "Doesn't seem to be any cringe around he-" on the top and a close-up of the same fish's eyes on the bottom.

I hate when people make jokes about the Twin Towers.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Joe Biden was once president, but he got arrested because he got caught fingering a minor.

My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔

How does an American know that his time has come?

He starts hearing Vietnamese.

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?

Because he can’t do stand up.

What did the baker say when he forgot the cookie sheets?

Ooh, snickerdoodles!

I think God is cool with abortion.

After all, he did kill his only son.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?

He had nobody to go with.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because he looked like me.

Sans: Sure.

There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.

He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.

A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

A lady asked if I heard about the mass shooting in Ohio. I said yes, my friend died there. She said I’m so sorry. I said yeah, I tried telling him the police had good aim. Worse than that, he just found out his sister was cheating on him.