There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"
The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."
The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Person: Why?
Me: Because he wanted to.
Why did the policeman rape the woman? Because he thought rapists wouldn't be attracted to non-virgins.
A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"
He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
Why is James depressed?........ because he's a bitch.
The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.
What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.
What does Michael Jackson say when he stubs his toe?
Ow!
I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.
Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.
The orphan asked a genie to become Batman. Then he went home and saw his parents dead.
Where does Hitler look first when he loses something? The attic.
Don't make fun of the emo kid, or he's gonna bring his friends and you gotta fight the Suicide Squad.
Say what you want about Hitler, at least he got the trains to run on time.
What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
I bought an orphan iPhone 8 Plus and he said he doesn't want it 'cause it didn't have a HOME button.
