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I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

Q: What did the kid say as he tossed a chair to his neighbor's house?

A: You're the chairman of the board!

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.

At the back of Abraham Lincoln's mind, next to the bullet hole, he was thinking about how slavery is wrong.

The whole reason he is dead is because he kept hitting "Remind me later" on his Windows Updates.

Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

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    • Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.

    Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.

    I told my friend to watch Naruto. It's been a week since I've seen him. Hope he comes back in one piece.

    A doctor slept with one of his patients and thought to himself, "This is wrong, but some doctors do it..." He is a vet.

    Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?

    He won't separate the whites from the colors...

    So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

    "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."

    And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"

    The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

    So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

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