Hes

Hes jokes

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died?

"Windows Shut Down."

Once upon a time, three babies were born in 2015. She was always crying for 2015. He loves her birth date. 🤗😈🤗🤕🤒no🤗🤑😱😎🙌🙏🙈🙉🙊

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

If Trump was an orphan, I know he would know not to build a wall because he was in one most of his life.

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

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    • Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

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    • A professor was talking about the American dream. Then, he asked the German exchange student if there was a German dream, to which the student replies, "We did, but no one liked it."

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    • Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

    He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

    "Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

    Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

    Why did the orphan not play baseball? Because he couldn't find home.

    A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.

    After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"

    The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"

    The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"

    "Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.

    The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.

    "What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.

    "I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.

    "Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.

    "I was on top!"

    All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.

    "Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.

    "I'm having puppies!"

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    • So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,

    "Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."

    Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?

    Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.

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