Hes jokes
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
Because he was koala-fied!
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
Why shouldn’t you play basketball with a pig?
Because he’s a ball hog.
Why did the guy take a bath? Because he came, and it was too much of a mess.
Why did Adolf Hitler like nuts? He only had one.
Where did Johnny go after he wandered into a minefield?
Everywhere.
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
Q: If Adolf Hitler was a sea creature, which would he be?
A: Adlof-in.
What does the egg do after the pan told him a joke?
He cracked up!
Why doesn’t Chuck Norris flush the toilet?
He doesn’t have to, he scares the shit out of the toilet.
Why do New Yorkers get what Spider-Man is saying?
Because he always makes spider-sense.
Why did ranch tell fridge to close the door?
He was dressing.
Why does the large dildo not have any friends?
He's a pain in the ass.
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
Why wouldn’t Mr. Bee 🐝 push Ms. Bee 🐝 away?
Because he loves his honey.
Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?
Because he’s a fungi.