That moment when you have to ask your Chinese neighbor if he's seen your cat.
Hes Jokes
Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?
A professor was talking about the American dream. Then, he asked the German exchange student if there was a German dream, to which the student replies, "We did, but no one liked it."
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
Why did Pikachu chase Ash?
Because he wanted to Ketchum.
Why did the orphan not play baseball? Because he couldn't find home.
How is Stephen Hawking so smart? He uploads it to his software.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all sitting in a hospital's waiting room for ultrasounds.
After a while, the brunette giggles while rubbing her belly. Both the blonde and redhead look over at her and ask, "What's with the giggling?"
The brunette replies, "I'm having a boy!"
The blonde and the redhead ask, "How do you know?"
"Because he was on top!" The brunette replies again.
The three go back to conversing, and then the redhead starts to giggle while rubbing her belly.
"What's with the giggling?" The blonde and brunette ask.
"I'm having a girl!" The redhead replies.
"Well, how do you know?" The blonde and brunette ask again.
"I was on top!"
All of a sudden, the blonde bursts into tears.
"Oh, honey! What's wrong?" The redhead and brunette ask.
"I'm having puppies!"
Why did the kid bring a ladder to school?
So he could get into high school.
So, I got my blind friend a Big Mac for his birthday. A week later, he walked up to me and said,
"Damn, that was the most violent book I've ever read."
Why did the scientist want to take off his doorbell?
Because he wanted to win the no-bell prize.
What step did the DNA not take in his math equation?
He forgot to adenine!
A man walks into a store and orders 2 large chips. They give them to him and he says:
"I ordered 2 large chips, not 100 little ones!"
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
Your mama so fat, when Santa saw her he said, "Ho, ho, holy s***!"
Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?
Because he's dead.
How does Stephen Hawking go to the toilet? He logs out.
Why is the skeleton sad and alone?
Because he is with nobody.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
You want to hear a dirty joke?
This guy and this girl were having sex when the guy's boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick." His boss replies, "You don't sound sick." The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone.
