Hes jokes
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
They asked JFK Jr. if he wanted to shower before his flight. He said, "No, I'll just wash up on shore!"
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
Why did the guy's birthday party stink?
Because he was turning farty!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Hitler isn’t really a bad guy, after all, he did kill Hitler himself.
If an orphan was Spiderman, which movie would he be in?
"No Way Home."
Yo mama so fat, she called Dr. Seuss and he couldn’t even rhyme back.
Little Johnny walked in on his mom in the shower and said, "What's that on your chest, Mom?" Mom said, "Those are my headlights." Johnny: "Oh. What's that in between your legs, Mom?" Mom: "Oh, that's my bush." Johnny: "Oh, OK." Next, he walked in on his dad in the shower. He said, "Dad, what's that in between your legs?" Dad: "Oh, that's my snake." Johnny: "Oh, OK." That night, little Johnny walks in on his parents going at it and said, "Mom, turn on his headlights, there's a snake going in your bush!"
Why couldn't an orphan have an iPhone 6? He couldn't find the home button.
I was at work yesterday and I saw this kid crying. I went up to him and asked him where his parents were, and he started to cry even more. Gosh, don't you just love working at the orphanage?
Why is Santa so happy? He knows where all the naughty girls and ho ho hos live.
Why did Michael Jackson go to the movies? He saw there was minor nudity.
Why did the ion always lose at Go Fish?
Because he was playing with a cheetah!
Why did a school shooter get banned from a game server?
He was caught aimbotting.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
What's in a man's mouth when he realizes he's gay?
A dick.
A salamander came by me the other day and he AXOLOTL questions. Ba dum tss!!!