Final Jokes

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

Sister: Hey sis, how are you today?

Me: Oh, good, you?

Sister: Good, 'cause I heard you finally got a good living life.

teacher: ''kids what does the chicken give you''?.

students: ''meat''.

teacher: ''very good now what does the pig give you''?

students: ''bacon''.

teacher: ''and finally what does the fat cow give you''?

one of the students: ''homework''!

We the jury are yet to deliver our final verdict, but we would like to have a guess.

Is it Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in the library?

After 40 years, Kobe finally learned to pass.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

You don't need brains to be a Boss.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the crime seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma'm and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

So Kenny finally found his one true love.

But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.

There was a boy in the gym who was in his late teens. He was sitting at the dumbbells tables, but he wasn't lifting. He instead, sat up and was ripping something up.

The manager then walked over to him and asked, "You're hogging the dumbbells, dude! What are you even doing?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Getting ripped, wanna join me?" as he held up stacks of blank paper. The man silently sat on the table with him and grabbed some papers. "Why not?" he finally said.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

Once there were three Indians. Two were smart and one was... not so smart. One day, the first smart Indian went out hunting. He came back with a dead deer. The not so smart Indian asks "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the deer tracks, shot the deer, and brought it home." The next day, the next smart Indian goes out. He comes back with a dead bear. The not so smart Indian asks once again "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the bear tracks, shot the bear, and brought it home." Finally, it's now the not so smart Indian's turn to go hunt. Multiple hours had passed since he left. The smart Indians go out to search for him. They finally find him, bloodied and on the verge of dying. The smart Indians exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED!" The not so smart Indian replies, "Well I... I followed the train tracks, an... and shot th- the train... bu- but it kept going..."

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

When I hit a home run I finally felt what it was like to have a home.

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?

The Final Cut.

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

This city slicker broke down on a country road, he look around and in the distance he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there he asked the farmer if he has a phone he could use because his had no reception. The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married and the farmer said if you marry my daughter I’ll give you half my farm...the guy said lemme see her...the farmer hollered “hey you” get over here...and she said duh ok. The ol boy looked at her and said nooo thank you. The father said I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....the ol boy thought for a minute and said “we’ll I guess I can put a sack over her head” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything. One day the guy was up fixin the roof and Holland hey you get me some nails...his wife said duh nails, nails he said yes nails and showed her one she said “oh dun nails nails” he said yes nails. So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb and he yells oh F. . . It! and she turned and Hollered Duh A Sack A Sack Duh A Sack!