DoS jokes
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
What do you call a house with dog hair?
A shed.
What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?
Panera dread.
No one cares if you bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Where do suicide bombers go after death?
Everywhere.
Memes
What do emos and the Lorax have in common?
They both hang with trees.
Why do the twin towers and my mom have in common? They fell over.
How do you spell ihop?
Then spell ihop and say "ness".
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.
What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
What do you call a rich Asian?
Cha-ching!
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, it won’t come to you.
What do cannibals call newborn babies?
Fresh fruit.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."