DoS jokes
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What do you call Trump with no spray tan on his hair?
Your next door grumpy old neighbor.
Q: What do Mexicans love to wear in the air force?
A: Air Force Juans.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Do you know how Chinese people roast? They say, "Boy, if you don't get your chi chong head, boy!"
What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.
What do you call a bunch of bi-racial, retarded kids? Mixed vegetables.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
Q: How do you get 10 babies in a trashcan?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.
What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?
They said, "Allahu Akbar."
Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.
What do you call a funny cow?
A cowmedian.
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?
Actually, I shouldn't spread it.
If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.
I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.
Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.
what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.