DoS jokes
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Why do orphans become criminals?
To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
Me: I will rape you!
Woman: NOOOOOO!!! I AM TOO SCARED TO GET "RAPED"!
Why do women be like this?
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
What do rapists like to suck?
The life out of their victim.
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
A headbanger.
Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.
I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.
I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.
Why do orphans hate the letter FMD? Because F stands for "family," M stands for "mom," and D stands for "dad."
What do you call Jan[uary] 6th?
White people smearing shit on the walls of the capitol!
What do you call a kid in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
What part do people slit the most?
Everyone.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso.