Canning jokes

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What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? 🤗 And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.

Me- what I think fck what I do 😭.

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?

Well, probably their kneecaps.

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    • Little Johnny walks out to the garage and sees Dad smoking a cigarette. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

    About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage and sees his Dad drinking a beer. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have some of that beer?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.

    About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage with a big plate of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies, fresh from the oven. His Dad says, "Wow, Johnny, those sure look like some good cookies. You think I can have some?" Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Well Dad, can your dick reach your ass?" His Dad scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, yes, Johnny, I do believe my dick can reach my ass." Little Johnny says, "Well, Dad, you can go FUCK yourself, cuz Mom made these cookies for me!!!"

    You can slap, punch, knock out an orphan, what will they do? They don't have parents!

    Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

    Kid: Why?

    Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

    Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

    Man: Why?

    Kid: I'm an orphan.

    Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

    (You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

    Why do orphans like Minecraft? So they can build a home...

    But a creeper blows it up.

    What does a pirate say to the president?? Spread your legs so I can get my treasure back.

    I still remember the last thing Gaster said before he kicked the bucket, it was, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?" (Sans)

    Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

    Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

    Hi, welcome to Mario's pizzeria/abortion clinic.

    Where no fetus can beat us, and your loss is our sauce.

    What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and his wheelchair?

    At least his wheelchair can pull a woman.