Canning jokes
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"đ
Why are there no Olympics in Mexico?
Because everyone from Mexico that can run, jump, and swim is already over the border.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course, houses can't jump.
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.
Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.
Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.
Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?
Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?
So, three guys are walking carefully into a bar.
The bartender said, "What can I get you, gentlemen?"
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little boy says, "Thatâs my little red race car."
Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little girl says, "Thatâs my little red race car garage."
So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it wonât fit.
Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"
The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldnât fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
This Fairy Tail shirt is only $9.99! Guess you can say that's a fair retail.
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, Iâm right here if you need help."
Sister: "Thatâs my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
Why do orphans go to church?
Itâs the only place they can call someone âfather.â
My friend had a house FULL of okra, but it blew up and okra was everywhere.
I guess you can call that place Okra-homa!
Four cows went to the county fair. They saw a sign that said that next year animals can enter a singing contest. They decided that they would enter next year. So they called their group the "4 Cs Quartet" since their names were Clementine, Candy, Cookie, and Columbine.
They discovered how they could win. After a discussion, they decided to eat as much corn as possible, so they would sing in perfect 4 part hominy.
I need to call candy. What's candy? Candy can "bofe" if these balls fit in your mouth.
I have to call Bovfa. What's Bovfa? Bovfa deez nuts fit in your mouth.
Where do you think all the orphans went?
In the World Trade Center, I trapped them in so they can finally get to their parents.
I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.
Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone "father."
Chuck Norris hasnât decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.
If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.
Why can you punch an orphan and get away with it?
Because what is he gonna do, tell his parents?