Bar Jokes

A drunk walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that douchebag a drink."

The bartender says, "You can't talk like that! This is a respectable establishment, I'm going to throw you out!"

The drunk says, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'd like to buy the lady a drink."

The bartender goes to where the woman is sitting and says, "The, ah, gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, what will it be?"

She says, "Vinegar and water."

A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”

Logic fire bars in Fortnite sped up to sound like he [is a] chipmunk like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore :)

Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Yeah.

(Not Original Joke)

This man walks into a bar and says, "How do I get service here?"

The assistant bar attendant tells him to take a seat as the bartender will be there to serve him shortly. After 2 minutes, the man says this is ridiculous, that he has to wait. The assistant then offers him a bar snack of free nuts, which the man duly eats. Another 2 minutes go by, and the man then says, "OK, I get it, no service of beer, but free nuts," to which the assistant says, "Hell no, the game starts in 10 minutes." Everyone laughs and claps.

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Two Australians walk into a bar. They run into the ceiling fan immediately.

What's the sun's favorite chocolate? Mars bar.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

What did one condom say to the other condom as they were passing a gay bar? "Let's go get shit faced!"

There was a man. He came home with his friends from the bar and man was he ever wasted! Their friends made sure to get him home safely. The next morning, he woke up and found blood all over his nightstand. He called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.

A person walks into the bar and said, "Hey barman, get my son a drink and tell him his dad is dead."

Who said that?

Stephanie

What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human can walk, and a tree 🌳 cannot walk.

What's the difference between a club and a bar?

I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

Poipole walks into a bar and says “poipoipoipoi.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, but in order to get takeout, you have to know how to speak a foreign language.” Poipole says “Pika!”

Why did the bat cross the road? Because to get to the blood bar.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.