And jokes

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.

I wore a purple outfit to school, and some Indian kid called me Thanos, so I called him Vision and tried pulling the red dot off his head.

We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Biden, no cash, and no hope.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

  • 2

    • Why did the rapper become a MATH TEACHER?

    Because he was good with bars and beats.

    What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?

    A dead person does not walkie or talkie.

    Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.

    The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.

  • 1

    • Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?

    Because their meat has to be in bread.

  • 2

    • Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

    They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.

  • 1

    • Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.