And jokes
What are the two hottest cities in the world? Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?
Only one is wanted.
Karen walks into McDonald's.
Lady at the counter: HI what can I get for you today??
Karen: I want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE!
Lady at the counter: yes miss.
Karen: I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS.
Lady at the counter: *sweats*
Karen: THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT! GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW, SKINY NOODLE!
I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"
I got a roommate. He killed a butterfly, and I said no butter for a week. The next day, he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch, nice try.
Why do I have to go to a shooting range when I can go to school and do it for free?
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
Q: What’s the difference between Black Panther and Batman?
A: Batman “returns.”
Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?
A: One got to finish a race.
What do you call a kid with autism who saw Star Wars?
Chewbacca.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why did the alarm go off when the emo and his friends left the store when they checked everything out?
The emo forgot to roll his sleeves up.
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.
This is not a joke, nor did I come up with it.
If somebody calls you ugly, just hug them and say, "Life must be hard for you since you have visual impairment!"
What's the difference between an apple and a child?
The apple gets picked.
What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?
Both are at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen!
What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.
When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"