And jokes

I’ve got money and suicidal thoughts, and I’m all out of money.

When a person yells, just laugh and remember that they can’t hurt what’s already dead.

A couple enters a Chinese restaurant and takes their seats.

The waiter asks, "想吃什么 (Xiang Chi Shen Ma)?"

The wife responds, "吃鸡巴 (Chi Ji Ba)!"

"OK, son," he says. "It's as easy as counting to 5."

1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull back your foreskin. 3. Pee in the toilet. 4. Put your foreskin back. 5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying, "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4."

What is the difference between a priest and a zit?

The zit waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One actually gets picked.

A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."

He couldn't shoot straight.

Yo mama so old, I bet she was born when dinosaurs were made, and also she killed them with they breath! 😭😭

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

Morbius was awesome, and the Batman sucked.

"Butter, butter, and butter, please, please bring me butter."

I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

What do Bob Ross's painting and the orphanage have in common?

They're both filled with happy little accidents.

Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:

Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.

Her: Really? What?

Me: Sweet-in-low.

Her: Why?

Me: Because you're artificial.

When a homeless kid goes to school and the teacher says, "You have homework tonight," he said, "Sorry, Teach, I don't got a home."

Teacher: Little Johnny, why are you late again?

Little Johnny: I had to be there for the birth of our first mixed cow, the white cow fell on the mud! (The teacher faints)

You're so weak, someone breathed on you and you flew away!

I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

If every time someone faints when they see your face and I get 1 cent, I would be a trillionaire.