And jokes

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

Why did the 2 4s skip lunch? They already 8! Jahshshs.

And how did the pirate know that she saw land? She was shore of it! If u get it leave a like. Hahahahaha and which thing was heavier, a feather or steal? It's they way the same amount 🤣 😂 😅 😆 🙃 😄 🤣 😂 😅 😆 🙃 😄 🤣 😂 😅 😆 Lol like

A leaf and a depressed kid fall from a building. Which hits the ground first?

The leaf, the rope stops the depressed kid.

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?

They both live long with dry skin.

What's the difference between a McDonald's and the Twin Towers?

McDonald's has a drive-thru.

He was saying jokes, and someone said, "You are on a roll!"

What does an apple and an orphan have in common?

One gets picked.

There were 5 people on an airplane.

1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And into a table, and into a chair.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

Jonny went to Disney and they had sour balls. He asked the cashier for some and he pulled down his pants.

So, if there is a 7-Eleven and a 911, where's 811?

If this gets 10 comments (I don't care about likes) I will write a four page essay and post it, and it's up to you guys what it's about.

If Batman is half bat and half human, how was he made?

"He wasn't because you can't f*ck a bat."

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple's actually get picked.