And jokes

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

What do lizards and Queen Elizabeth have in common?

They both live long with dry skin.

What's the difference between a McDonald's and the Twin Towers?

McDonald's has a drive-thru.

He was saying jokes, and someone said, "You are on a roll!"

What does an apple and an orphan have in common?

One gets picked.

There were 5 people on an airplane.

1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

"Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And into a table, and into a chair.

Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.

10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

Jonny went to Disney and they had sour balls. He asked the cashier for some and he pulled down his pants.

So, if there is a 7-Eleven and a 911, where's 811?

If this gets 10 comments (I don't care about likes) I will write a four page essay and post it, and it's up to you guys what it's about.

If Batman is half bat and half human, how was he made?

"He wasn't because you can't f*ck a bat."

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple's actually get picked.

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.