And jokes

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

What’s the difference between a bank vault and you aunt's anus?

The owner of bank vaults don’t force you to penetrate it.

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll f*ck your mom, and you'll be next.

I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.

A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.

Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

What's white but not black, and red all over?

J. K. Rowling after attending the world premiere of the next Matrix movie.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because people always said, "Go big or go home," and he only had one option. 😂🤣

What’s the difference between a basketball player and an orphan?

One has a home to run to.

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

Pretend you are an old man who is 77 years old and there are 7 doors, which door should you pick?

The seventh door.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

God: I feel like I'm forgetting something... oh no, Earth! *sees it on fire* Oh, it's fine.

People of Earth: *running and screaming*

Santen: *to God* Really?

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.