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And jokes

A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"

He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"

Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"

A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces, and a dentist comes in and says, "Brace yourself!"

One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.

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    • So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

    Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

    Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

    I was in my guitar class and my strings were dead, and then I realized they were more dead than George Bush on November 30, 2018.

    I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

    So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

    I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

    My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.

    I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

    Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?

    A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.

    A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

    The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

    This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

    The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"

    Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!