All jokes
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
Yo mama so fat, she fell into a pond and all the fish drowned.
A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.
All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Your mama is so fat that all restaurants say, "Maximum weight 240KG or your mum!"
All Mia needs to destroy the evil young girl in Resident Evil 7 Biohazard, was using a pedophile instead of serum.
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"
Yo mama so far that when she walks outside at 8 a.m., it becomes midnight all over again.
Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.
They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
I wish you guys all died.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"