All jokes
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.