4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.
Chuck Norris caught all the Pokémon -- from a landline.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are in the U.S.
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Confucius say:
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
