Yo mama so far that when she walks outside at 8 a.m., it becomes midnight all over again.
Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.
They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
I wish you guys all died.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach..."
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.
