I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70-year-old.
Joe Biden walks into the White House kitchen. "Are those brownies, I smell?", he asks. "Indeed, they are.", he was told. "Gee", he says, "they smell nothing like Girl Scouts."
You know how Joe Biden is happy?
When he is rubbing a little girls' shoulders and eating ice cream.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
Give them a Sandy Hook.
What do you call a group of Alabama superheroes?
The Incredibles.
Why is Hitler better than Biden?
Because Hitler gave his people gas for free.
What do you get if you cross a loaf of bread with a vagina?
A yeast infection.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *Walks away*
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.