When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Why did Bruce Jenner cross the road?
To see how the other side felt!
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A little get together.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they'll steal all the green cards.
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks!
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
Q: What's the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
You shout out, "B-52!"
What do you call an Iraqi who owns a camel and a goat?
Bisexual.
Why is it called scissoring and not lip-syncing?
We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.
What’s one thing that comes up at the worst possible time and ruins your day?
A period.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One reads, the other breeds.
What's the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One is glowing and the other is blowing.